I’ve been horribly busy and easily tired these days. I’m not lemah okay, just delicate..ye ke? Mengaku jela lemah! It must be hormones…been way too emotional lately. Blame it on hormones huhu...
Love life?? Sad, lame but sappy truth and nobody believe that I don’t I have “the one”, love life is pretty much stressful since my brother wedding last month, my uncles, aunties, cousins start asking when is my turn?!! Seriously I don’t have answer for all the questions entahla... I do have insecurity issue which is the roots of all relationship problems. I might turned up to be a green eye monster and I don’t think my relationship will survive with this ugliest behavior. Guess I’m might be lucky enough in other things but not love because when I’m in a relationship it is simply because he wants me and I want him and I trust him with all my heart. People say that always trust your partner 90% and keep the remaining 10% to yourself. But I don’t. I can’t. My girlfriends would say I’m fool yet kebodohan maksima because men will ultimately hurt you. I agreed because there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Feeling will definitely get hurt and ego bruised. So no, I don’t have time to waste on insecurity. It makes me weak and vulnerable. I rather use that time to shore up my defenses and protect myself from go through the torture of insecurity or end up with miserable tears and it takes years to heal and I’m still in my recovering process slowly but Alhamdulillah progressively…
Move on? How? Open my heart to new people? No, not yet. I need to fix myself first;
Spiritually; solat
"Sesungguhnya solat itu mencegah dari perbuatan yang keji dan mungkar, dan sesungguhnya mengingati Allah adalah lebih besar faedahnya dan kesannya, dan ingatlah Allah mengetahui akan apa yang kamu kerjakan." (al-Ankabut:45)
Mentally; (am I ready? hummmm)
“Kamu bukanlah Khadijah yang begitu sempurna dalam menjagaPun bukanlah Hajar yang begitu setia dalam sengsara Cuma wanita akhir zaman yang berusaha menjadi solehah... amin
Jangan menuntut terlalu tinggi seandainya diri sendiri jelas tidak berupaya. Mengapa mendambakan isteri sehebat Khadijah andai diri tidak semuliaRasulullah? Mengapa mengharapkan suami setampan Yusof seandainya kasih tak setulus Zulaikha? Tidak perlu mencari isteri secantik Balqis andai diri tidak sehebat Sulaiman DAN Tidak perlu mencari suami seteguh Ibrahim andai diri tidak sekuat Hajar dan Sarah…”
Financially; (am I ready?) – “hummmm…long pause, no answer…” uwaaaa... :(
Physically; losing my weight and be healthy (plethora of options; pills, jog, RF, IPL, TMT, casmara, invisalign etc… whatever my money can buy) but I’m only looking for the one who love me for me and simply me. I couldn’t help but wonder can people love me without my make up on? When I’m dressed down with my caftan? When I’m only wearing “selipar jepun” which I bought for 4 dolar per pair in Bugis Junction? When I want to go to pasar malam or when I order plain water in restaurant..weirdo me kan? When I act stupid or when I dressed up “koya” hahaha..please please please love me for me. I’m not that hard to love, am I?
Despite the fact that I don’t have relationship with any xmahram, I’m grateful yet thankful to Allah since He gave me strength... I guess the ‘doa’ from everybody who keeps on praying for my happiness. Suddenly I’m filled with joyful energy and I just can’t wait for my holy trip to holy place..to reach the ultimate love, happiness as hambaNya..(Ya Allah, jauhi aku dari ujub, riak dan takbur) wish me luck all..doa’in agar Allah bukakan pintu hatiku beri petunjuk segala in my career, life and as for my future, I can’t seem to see clearly. If I close my eyes, I’d see flashes of some familiar faces. Faces that I hope will be in my future but then again, who knows what the future will bring. Life is a journey. Anything can happen.
“Sesungguhnya Allah tidak akan mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum, sebelum kaum itu berjuang keras untuk mengubah nasibnya sendiri” (Surah ar-Raad ayat 11)
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